Stop Pretending You're OK and Allow Yourself To Fall Apart - As Long as You Don't Give Up

In the last couple of days, I have found out (with a shock) that many strong women in my life are down and feeling bad about themselves, or their current situations. (I find myself in the same emotional situation.)

Why are all these fantastic women so unhappy? Why are so many women in this world unhappy with themselves? What has happened to us?

We ask ourselves:

How could this happen to me? I have never struggled with anything like this in my life! Where did my energy go? What have I done to deserve this? Why can’t I just move on and stop moaning and moping around and just do my stuff?

The thing is, we are doing loads of stuff!

We are so damn hard on ourselves about what we aren’t doing that we don’t see the stuff we actually are accomplishing. Doing the washing and cooking is a great accomplishment, when all you want to do is crawl into bed and stay there forever. If I need to be grateful that I managed to drive to work today, then that’s it; or that I managed to do Tracy Anderson, then well done. We are not letting ourselves be consumed by our depressive mood; we are still fighting and trying to talk to others about it.

Until at some point, we start hiding how we really feel, and that we might still not be OK.

The time that we are allowed to bemoan ourselves has run out and nobody wants to listen to us anymore. You’ve had enough time pitying yourself, now it’s time to function again! We pretend we are OK. At some point we don’t want to talk about why we feel this way anymore, or why we are still obsessed with something, because we are ashamed. Ashamed, that everybody seems to be doing fine, while we feel pathetic and like failures.

One thing you can do, if you feel this way

When you feel crap, drop to the ground and completely feel all your feelings, until you get bored.

"Nooooo, it can’t be so simple!" You might think.

True, this little technique might not change the reasons for your feelings, but it will give you some peace.

Because we need to function as soon as possible, we don’t take the time to feel our feelings to the end. We are so consciously thinking that we have to motivate ourselves to stop feeling as we do that we don’t allow ourselves to really heal.  

When you are overwhelmed with the emotions simmering in you, fall to your knees and actively lose control. Remove yourself from others, and allow yourself to let go. Don’t stop until you get bored and want to move on to doing something that you really want.

When my brother was having difficulties and had to stay away from home for an uncertain amount of time, my Mom was not in a good place. Grief, anger and self-blame affected all areas of her life and dominated her feelings. This lasted until she decided to go into my brother’s room for half an hour a day, and allow herself to feel whatever it was she felt. Then she would get up and just do her stuff. She gave herself 30 minutes to really focus on her feelings, instead of running away from them.

It is important to just take some time and allow yourself to really feel that soup of shit that is going on inside you!

What is it that I am feeling right now? What is it exactly? Where is it coming from?

At some point, you will be ready to move on. And, if it takes longer than you expected and you are still swimming in self-pity?

So what! Fuck it!

We don’t always have to be so noble and positive, or the strong ones. We don’t, really. Sometimes it’s really just OK to fall apart.

As long as you have the thought “I don’t want to be like this” you’re fine. The point you have to start worrying is, when you think “I’ll just give it all up and crawl into bed until the rest of my life.” Even though you have this uncomfortable feeling of unhappiness, it is a feeling that is working for you. Personal growth and everything related to it, is uncomfortable at first. When you get too comfortable, then you’re not moving forward.

The uncomfortable feeling means that you’re not happy and that you aren’t doing the things you would like to. As soon as you stop feeling uncomfortable about the fact that you can’t do the things you want to, that’s the danger.

Wouldn’t it be much worse if you called someone and said you stayed in bed all day and don’t want to do anything, but you feel good about it? Or, if you wrote your ex ten times and didn’t bother to go to work for two weeks and resign to saying “I can’t do it, but I am OK with that”. Wouldn’t you be worried?  

Be grateful that you are worrying; be glad you are feeling bad about where you are. It’s not always going to be the way we want it in life, but accepting our feelings, feeling them, and then refocusing on ourselves, will help us get out of the funk.

We are unhappy, because we aren’t living our truth

OK, I might be doing shit at the moment, but I am taking steps that will keep me in line with my truth and that will keep me on the right path – even if I am not managing everything.

You don’t heal in five minutes, while running around just functioning, and not focusing on yourself and what is your real truth.

What is it that you really don’t want anymore? What is an absolute no-go? 

That is your truth, and you will feel it on an emotional, as well as logical level. That’s how you know, if you are on the right path. 

Sometimes we think too much about what we want, but what is it, that you really don’t want?

So, when you do your half an hour collapse, think about what you really don’t want. Then act on that. Don't think about what you want, but avoid and remove yourself from what you don't want. 

Step by step; learning by doing. 

Also: It is important that you find someone that you can trust, and who is always open to listening to you. Talking to a person that will listen, but also kick you in the ass, is important to help you get past your problems. The ideal person is someone who will allow you to be vulnerable, but who will also talk about what could be done in your situation. 

Love, 

Shauna